How to fall apart with all (some) of the world watching

1. Have an infant.

2. Have a blog.

Often times when I think about writing here, I think that I have nothing more to say than to tell it like it is, which will include the words Oh God I'm Tired and Am Not Handling This Well.  Then I think that it's been three weeks since this baby was born and maybe I should have GOTTEN A GRIP by this point. 

But let me reassure you, no grip.  In fact, every day I am still pretty sure that I just gave birth the day before because good hell this still a pretty fresh kind of difficult.  I can't believe I'm still this emotional, this weepy and this needy.  I really thought that, being my third time around at this parenting an infant thing, that I should not only recover from my c-section quickly and manage, but manage like a God Blessed Pro.

But the things that I didn't take into consideration, when I thought about what the first month of my sweet daughter's life, are things like sleep deprivation - and how one could be on her twenty-third baby and still start off each morning like a complete zombie because of The Tired.  That after Marin has been inconsolable for a good long while, and the boys are fighting with each other, or still waiting for something from me - be it attention or a simple glass of apple juice, that I would feel hopelessly stuck in this situation that leaves me with no breaks, no sympathy, no peace.  I didn't know I would be this busy, and we didn't know my husband wouldn't be able to work from home once eight p.m. rolled around, like we had planned - like I had counted on.  I didn't remember that I would still be physically hurting three weeks out of surgery, that I would lose an ovary and be ungodly hormonal and cry every freaking day, and that I would look at myself in the mirror and wonder who the hell I was looking at, even though I really thought I had prepared myself for all of this.

I can't help but be so disappointed, both in myself and in this whole situation.  I keep telling myself that women do this, and that I can too.  And then I want nothing more than to curl up in a ball and hide.

Marin is finally asleep back awake, and Jack just woke from his nap.  I never slept.  Fabulous. 

My love to you, Internet.  I'm at a loss.

Comments

[debi]

Oh Molly, I would give anything to live close enough to be able to come to your house and mother you for a week. Even though you have your own mom, sometimes we are in need of tag team mothering. You have been through so much and still have so much on your plate it's to be expected that you would feel the way you do but that does not make it any easier. I know. Time, it will just take time. I will be praying for you. And ya know what? When I tell you that I am praying for you, I actually sit down or grab my husband by the hand and we both pray for you. I hope you will get some rest very soon.

[Jen L.]

HONEY. I gave birth 9 months ago and only have 1 child and am barely hanging on most days. I can't even imagine what it must be like for you. I am just now starting to be able to admit that I need some help, both emotionally and with my baby. The crying, the feeling of helplessness and guilt...I completely understand where you're coming from. I won't tell you to take it easy on yourself, because I think you're as much of a perfectionist as I am and I want to sock people in the mouth when they tell me that. But do try to give yourself a break and know that you're not the only mom who feels like this. You're in my prayers.

[Christina]

Oh Molly. I too only have one child and I too fall apart all the damn time. I cant wrap my head around 2 much less, 3. All I can offer is a hang in there, it has to get better. Call someone for help if you have someone. Someone from church to give you a break so you can take a nap, or to pick up the kid from school or do your food shopping. I would bet people are offering for help?? TAKE IT!!!
Hang on girl, you are in my thoughts.

[BetteJo]

I remember the feeling of being disconnected from everything because I was.so.tired. Sleep deprivation is a well known torture device for a reason. It works. Best thing for you is to grab a friend or relative to help out here and there - and use the extra time to sleep. Not to clean or do laundry or cook - but to just rest and refuel. You can handle everything (even if it's by the skin of your teeth) if you are well rested.
Thinking of you - it really will get better.

[Erica]

Hang in there Molly. Don't worry about the laundry, dishes, etc. It will not go anywhere, I promise. Rest when you can, and if you can't sleep, then sit and hold those babies and just enjoy the moment. Ben is 4 and I still have trouble some (alot) of days just keeping it all together. But I do promis this, it does get better. You are awesome and I know you will get throught this.

[crookedeyebrow]

Molly-
It is ok and it will be ok.

it's almost 8 years and I'm still in shock most days.

Please give your self a break and a pat on the back, because I am not there to give you hugs!

xoxo

[Angela]

It's rough having babies, and yet we all somehow think we should be the Super Woman who walks through it looking and feeling like a queen. I felt like a zombie for monthes after my twins were born. I look back at pictures from then and feel like I wasn't even there. I wish I had some inspiration, but all I've got is: the only way to GET through it is to GO through it. Hang in there Molly!

[Bethany]

Oh Honey, Scoop is seven months old and I still feel like I'm losing my shit sometimes. Hang in there, I'm told this too shall pass!

[Cindy]

I love you to pieces!!! I'm here for ya!

[Ashley]

Dude. Seriously. I know. I have 5 and it can be just a difficult with 2 or 3 as it can be with 5. I beat myself up for a good long while until I realized that I had to throw all of my expectations out the window and make my own way and life got so much better and tolerable after that ..... I wish the best for you :)

[Stacey]

Oh, Molly. I just want to cry with you. You know, by being so honest about what it's really like to bring home a new baby, you're hopefully helping some other new mom who thinks (mistakenly!)that she has to do it all (perfectly). It's so hard, and we all understand perfectly where you are coming from, because every mama has been there.

And if it makes you feel any more 'normal', I'd estimate that 75 percent of the words I speak to my three children every day involve some variation of WAIT A MINUTE!!! (or 'wait a damn minute', or 'hang on', or 'just a second', you get the idea, yes?). Just part of having many children. Sucks, but everyone will get used to it.

You CAN do this, Molly. Third babies seem to have a way of forcing us to drop the "perfect mommy" routine - GO WITH IT!

[Parsing Nonsense]

Poor Molly, you sounds like you're having just a dickens of a time! You're completely right, though, that sleep deprivation is enough to rob any woman of her sanity.

Take heart, though, that you're doing great and this too shall pass.

[Amy W]

If I was close, I would so come and give you time for a nap. You are doing well...before you know, you will have it. Sleep deprivation sucks...if I could give you some of my sleep, I would!!

[Frema]

Oh, Molly, please don't be so hard on yourself. You're right, you HAVE done this before, but that means you should know things don't get better in three weeks. Of course you're still tired and hurting and trying to get a handle on things. Having three kids doesn't mean you should "get a grip"--it means you have even more reason to take care of yourself.

You have a lot of variables to deal with right now, and I so wish we lived closer so I could take that baby while you take a nap. But at least you have first-hand experience that it does get better.

Love you.

[Becky]

Hey Molly...
Hang in there... and stop bloging and doing laundry and go take a nap silly!We will miss you but we will be here waiting!!!

#1 rule.. sleep when they sleep

Maybe think about a morning preschool program for Jack so that you can have a little bit of time with just one kiddo to care for at least until you settle into a sleep schedule and get back on your feet.

I remember the shock of how darn tired I was after having baby #2. I don't think it got better until the week before I went back to work... so much for enjoying my maternity leave! On second thought I think it was when he turned two...
Look at the bright side... you have plenty of time to figure out this new schedule and you don't have to rush back to work... you get to stay home with your gang!
Yes I am jealous... thanks for sharing you struggles though.. it is helping me curb my urge to try for baby #3!
Get some rest

[Megryansmom]

Baby steps, you CAN do it. Nap when Marin naps, the blog can wait. Wish I could help, I love to snuggle new babies.

[Julie]

Hang in there - you have lots of hugs from me!

[Hilary]

You are right, women do this. All women do this when they have a baby. But do you know what it is that they do? They don't have things under control at week 3. Not even close. They are tired, emotional, tired, overwhelmed, tired, lost, tired and tired. And then, somehow, the light starts to shine and we realize that we've made it through those first few months. And then those first few months fade and we think, that wasn't so bad. Next time will be easy as pie. And then next time comes around and we beat ourselves up because we should be able to handle this newborn business. But guess what, nothing is easier because newborns don't sleep so we are still tired and tired and tired and nothing is good or positive on no sleep.
You are way too hard on yourself. You are doing great! Chin up girl, chin up.

[Dana]

You CAN do this. You WILL do this. You have to!

It is amazing what we women can do when we don't have any other choice. My sweet daughter is 6 months old and her brothers are 8, 8, and 4. I thought that #4 would be a piece of cake because this is the first time I've had a baby since I've began staying home full-time. I was wrong! It was so hard! I feel for you when you talk about the boys needing juice when you are feeding the baby.

May I suggest boxes of 100% juice? And individually wrapped snacks within their reach, but that need to be opened by you. This way they can get it themselves but still need your help to open, while rocking the baby. I know they are more expensive than buying in bulk, but your time and sanity are worth it.

Also, the way I know you can do it: just when you think your plate is as full as it can get without you just completely losing your sanity, God shows you how much stronger you really are. In my case, my 4-year-old was diagnosed with Leukemia 2 months ago. My then-4-month-old precious baby girl had never been near a bottle and I had to leave her with a relative for a week unexpectedly while I took care of my son in the hospital.

So you can do this. You are strong. You are invincible. You are woman!

[KARA!]

I am worried about you! I don't know anything about having a baby, but I DO think you are being too hard on yourself! 3 weeks is hardly any time at all!

Sleep deprivation makes it impossible to do anything.

I will send you some positive thoughts!!!

[Laylabean]

I think you need to cut yourself some slack. It's only been three weeks and in that time you've also had a lot of other stuff going on too - floods, birthdays, not to mention recovering from surgery. Let yourself relax and enjoy these magical baby days and who cares about the rest of it? *hugs*

[Mary]

I didn't read all of the other comments but from what I did read I don't think anyone else said this. I have four children (ages 6,4,2 and 4months). The first three are boys and the last one is a girl. My hormones were WAY different after having my girl than they were with my boys. That probably doesn't help much, but sometimes I just feel better knowing that there is a REASON for my feelings being so different this last time around. Take care, it WILL get better.

[r+k+mama]

Molly, three weeks is the worst. Your reserves have run out. You know- the ones that you stored up that last month of pregnancy where you didn't care what came next because you just wanted that baby out to love and cuddle? The baby is out. She is beautiful and now she has worn you down with the cuteness and the crying and the feeding and the diapers. Now you just want sleep and uninterrupted time with yourself and each of your kids. Maybe your husband. You are not crazy for wanting these things. These are things you need. It's OK to be worn down and feel cheated or feel like you suck. But you do NOT suck. You are a human who needs sleep, which seems like an impossibility at the moment, but it will come. I don't care how many times a women has been through this, it is DAMN hard EVERY time. You can do this. You're allowed to screw up and you're allowed to be unhappy so feel bad if you need to but remember what a wonderful thing you are doing as well.

[auntie Betty]

I had a tube removed and I had bad side effects for my mood swings. It just takes time for the body to get better. love you

[Liza]

Molly, sweetie. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. That sounds so rough.

I wish Josie and I could come over and we could tag team some of this stuff.

[CPA Mom]

Molly, you ARE doing better than you think you think you are. Three weeks is NOTHING. PPD is real and it sounds like it's got you in it's grasp. Combine that with the hormone imbalance from losing an ovary and oy vey! I know it's not much comfort to know this too shall pass but it will. Reach out to your doctor for medicine, reach out to Kevin for support, reach out to your family and friends. Ask - can you take the boys? Can you take the baby while I nap? Can you make me a dinner? I hate I'm not there to help!! Long distance ((hugs)) and prayers to you!

[Rachel]

Molly, please don't beat yourself up about this. It has ONLY been 3 weeks!! What person is all rainbows and butterflies 3 weeks after giving birth?? Before you know it, this stressful time will have disappeared. If you aren't perfectly organized or if you're tired or whatever, it's OK!! You are allowed all of those things.

Having 3 kids is hard. Whoever said it wasn't is either a man or a liar. There is no timetable on when your hormones stop kicking you in the ass. It will happen. Talk with your OB about all of this. I had PPD horribly bad after Alyssa was born and I thought it was never gonna get better.

It did.

xoxo

[Tina]

I love you, freak! =)