The vent heard round the world

So I'm sure you've had one of those headaches before, where it starts out a dull pain at the top of your head.  "It will be okay," you think to yourself, and even walk right past the supersized bottle of Tylenol.  An hour later, it's worse.  You take the Tylenol and think it will knock it out of you, no problem.  But no avail.  An hour later you're taking a second set of those little babies, kissing them as they pass your lips and wishing they be magical to the pounding in your brain. 

The next thing you know, you're holed up in your darkened bedroom, cool wash cloth covering your forehead that for certain has cracked wide open and begun bleeding by now, praying to God that not even the teensiest stream of light make it through those curtains and that the double dose of migraine meds you just swallowed?  Save your damn life, because things aren't looking good right now.

It's pretty incredible, too, that once the bastard headache subsides, there's that residual holy-shit-what-just-happened-to-me ache, but it goes away.  And just days later all is forgotten.

This is my house situation.  It's something we thought we could deal with in the beginning.  Something we thought we could simply wait out, and something we thought paint jobs and price drops and yard work would cure.  But now our heads are really pounding and we want nothing more than for the entire ordeal to please leave us, as soon as possible, we can take no more.

Part of the problem with keeping a journal of your life online is that in the moments when you are at your worst, when there's little more you can do than scream and cry over your overwhelming situation, the whole world has access to it.  It's not that we don't all have these breakdown moments when we feel we can't take any more, it's just that when you let it all out and then click publish?  People may possibly notice that you need to be grabbed by your shoulders and shaken.

We aren't losing either house.  We've not had our electricity turned off, have not skimped on our groceries, and have even able to dine out from time to time.  We've made some sacrifices and given up some things - even some important things, but as a family we are still okay.  We spend the precious time we do have together, together.  We never argue about the situation we're in, and we don't have any regrets for buying our new house.  We just wish things could be different.

We spent the first five years of our marriage living paycheck to paycheck, and then when Kevin got the new, better job, and then the next new, better job quickly thereafter, we thought we were finally free of the knotted shoulder muscles caused by financial strain.  We were so excited to have made it out of that alive, that we thought maybe we should even be rich someday.  We took the step that we could afford to take, and we got into the new house.  We knew that when the other place sold, that at last we would be able to live pretty comfortably, and finally build up a nice savings and a retirement.

Sweet relief, and letting that breath out is what we were anticipating.

It's got to be right around the corner, we just kept saying.  But my God, so many corners and we're going in circles by now. 

I was thinking this morning about how I've seen this pattern repeat itself in my adult life.  With each of my sons, pregnancy came neither fast nor easy.  There was a wait for both kids, and a period of time where I thought I would lose my mind.  Infertility was not as awful for us or as lengthy a process as it is for some, but it really wore on us, practically being able to taste our dreams come true, but not.  And I wondered to myself this morning what I learned from each of those situations where I had to wait through something so trying and so difficult. 

I learned that miracles most certainly do happen, and that when they do the residual sting goes away more quickly than I imagined.  I learned that when you really have to put your mind to something, and push yourself to take steps in directions you never thought you'd have to, that the happy ending is infinitely happier.  I learned that you just. cannot. give. up., even when you're tired and sad and overwhelmed.  And I learned that when the shit hits the fan, you find out what you (and in our case, our marriage) is made of.

Closing in on an entire year on the market, coupled with the other stress factors we've presently got going, has made the last few weeks the most difficult.  We've never been here before, and we really don't know what to do next.  There have been days, especially lately, that we've longed for someone infinitely wiser to enter our lives and drag us out of this situation.  We'd happily do as told. 

But after a few days of really thinking about my glass half empty post, I know that no one can fix this for us, and that the only thing I can do is get back to a place of gratitude for the situation.  We're here to learn something, and maybe it's a big something that takes a really long time to learn.  (Or maybe we're terribly thick-headed, which is a good possibility.)  There is no sense fighting this or worrying non-stop.  The house is still there, still empty, still ours either way. 

Things are going to be okay -- and not just down the road.  Things can be okay right now if I choose them to be.  So if you'll excuse me, and excuse my previous pitiful rant, I have to climb back on the horse now. 

(Wait, women aren't even supposed to ride horses while pregnant, are they?  Now I get it...)

Comments

[Rachael]

What a great post. I don't own any houses, but we are in a very, very strained financial situation right now, in addition to dealing with health issues for hubby, infertility, and a 2 year old. I am beyond being able to think about all of it, so I am also choosing to be okay. To repeat the mantra that nothing can happen to us, no one can hurt us or take away our family or anything like that. It is a very empowering thing to choose to be all right, and it's not always easy - so I applaud you!

[John Wilkes and Liberty!]

Well, what to say?

You have challenges before you, there is no doubt that this is the case.

But, and this is the reason that you kick so much ass, you will not let them dominate you.

My bestest college buddy Kevin would marry no weak female, and you are the embodiement of such a woman.

I close with the (hopefully) inspiring words of one of my favorite people ever...Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill, FCO, GCMG, FRS, GCB when he said...

"Give us your faith and your blessing, and, under Providence, all will be well. We shall not fail or falter; we shall not weaken or tire. Neither the sudden shock of battle, nor the long-drawn trials of vigilance and exertion will wear us down. Give us the tools, and we'll finish the job!"

[Frema]

It's OK to feel sad and discouraged and let the world know how you feel. You're right, we all get that way sometimes, and nobody has the right to tell you to behave otherwise. It's obvious you're grateful for all the good things in your life. Keep on keeping on.

(God, did I really just say that? How old am I again?)

[Erica]

Molly, sometimes we all need to have a good rant and feel a little sorry for ourselves. Lord knows I have had plenty of my own. I know I've said this before, but things will work out. I totally understand what you are feeling. It really sucks to send in two mortgage checks. Gah! I think of what I could do with that extra money. Let's just put it this way...that Seaworld vacation and the trip to the destination wedding in Vegas, would totally be possible. Truthfully it pisses me off....Ok, not my blog. Hope you have a wonderful Mother's Day weekend.

[Liza]

I hope you aren't feeling bad about having ranted and let out your frustration and fears. Isn't that one of the things blogging is for?

But more than that, I think you are WAY more likely to find your way through this challenge by acknowledging and sharing it. Keeping it all bottled up inside is a good way to explode.

And your friends here in the computer? We're hear to listen, any time you want to vent. And eventually, when you want to celebrate!

[Jen L.]

GIRL--you bounced back from your "rant" quicker than anyone I've ever seen! And you're pregnant! Looks to me like you've got a good handle on things. Many of us would wallow in self-pity for days and days if we found ourselves in your situation.
Hang in there and know that your family is in my thoughts and prayers. Good for you for still being able to count your blessings!

[crookedeyebrow]

Well, you've had your share of momments this year. Just the fact you are all still together and happy with each other is wonderful.

As long as you have your boys and family. Life will be good.

I hope you have a wonderful Mother's Day!

[Rachel]

One of the things I absolutely adore about you Molly is your ability to always see the silver lining. That is why things will work out for you. Because you are thankful no matter what. Everyone, at times, gets bogged down and loses sight of the future. You should never feel bad for that, in fact, I think you are entitled. Right now times are tough. Gas prices are ridiculous, the economy is just awful and people are losing jobs, cars, and homes left and right. It is affecting everyone and we all have the right to worry and be sad and anxious and we will all end up stronger.

[debi]

Even in you moments of stress and worry, Molly you inspire me.

[Hilary]

Ditto, ditto, ditto what has already been said.
It's okay to rant. You need to and you certainly have every right to at this moment in time. Don't you dare feel bad about getting down. You are dealing with this better than any person would. And you have pregnancy hormones working against you.
I love that you have already picked your head up. That's the Molly I "know" and love. (I love saying that having never met you.)

[Operation Pink Herring]

I just have to say that I really admire how you've handled this whole situation, and I include the "glass half-empty post" in that statement. You have been more positive about it than I could manage, even in your vents. You have every right to feel frustrated and scared, and I really hope that this house sells tomorrow - or at the very least, that you find the best renters on earth.

[bubblewench]

I have to tell you how inspiring you are to me. This is a great post.. hit me hard in the chest. What you are going through is so much more intense then what we are currently going through, but I feel each and every one of those things that you said.

You are totally amazing and awesome.

[BetteJo]

I don't know. I think everyone has times when everything appears bleak - and times when the exact same situation doesn't seem so bad. You strike me as a very logical and rational lady - but you get to have your moments (or two) when you want to cry uncle. Sometimes just saying it, or yelling it - makes the very same circumstances something more easily dealt with.
It's very tough but my God what great coping skills you have! You will come out on the other side stronger for it.
Still sucks donkey balls though. :)

[SJ]

You lady have absolutely earned the right to rant.

Rant away! We are all here listening, and really with you along the way. Something good WILL come out of this.